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About Voldemort. About the fear of cancer.

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When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in March, I started a private blog as a place to process thoughts and to

  • acknowledge the good parts of this journey, (and there has been SO. Much. Good.  Thank you precious people in my life!!!!!!!)
  •  rant.  Because ranting is a fair and valuable part of this particular adventure.
  • acknowledge the magic around me.
  • hold an intention of attracting laughter.
  •  pay attention to taking ‘laughably do-able’ small steps, should I happen to have moments of ‘feeling stuck’ on this healing journey.

That blog will likely stay private. It’s really really messy, and full of random notes that would make no sense to anyone else!  And it has a post that is a mile long, listing all the people I’m going to create thank yous for.  I didn’t see that coming when I first started the blog, but what a glorious addition. 

Perhaps some of the blog IS  worthy of sharing, though.  I’m inspired to share the first post on that blog.

March 27th 2012


About Voldemort

Cranky ass bad guy, that Voldemort.  And so interesting that he is referred to as he-who-must-not-be-named.  That’s still a name.  Except they’ve taken the energy of fear up to a whole new level by refusing to say his name.  Kind of like cancer, don’t you think?  The ‘Big C’, people might say.  I want to post on facebook.. “screw that, I have little c.”   I also wanted to post on facebook, as I was staying up way too late researching: “Hey, any of you with breast cancer, do you know what necrosis means?”

You know, make it normal. Make it something you can easily chat about.  It’s pretty common these days. And I’ve believed for a long time that our collective consciousness of fear around cancer is what is taking it to a whole new level… so much fear energy that now it just drops randomly on whomever.

Imagine a storm cloud brewing, and when it finally starts to rain, it doesn’t care who it rains on.  It just has to do something with all that energy.

I wonder if our fears are like the steam that rises from individual kettles, kabillions of individual kettles of ‘fear’ steam rising, and way way too much steam from steam engines called media,  to create those storm clouds. Eventually those storm clouds simply have to burst.

I’ve wondered about this long before I was diagnosed with breast cancer…  and long before my daughter went through treatments for a rare  germ cell cancer that began 2 years ago.  She is doing well. She is amazing.  She is a celebration.

I am doing well right this minute.  As I’ve said to family, I’m either in denial or I’m doing good.  But full on denial would mean I wasn’t doing anything about it.  And I am.

I have surgery next week. (current update: that surgery was a lumpectomy, with not ideal results and so, 12 days ago I had a mastectomy.)

And I am inviting LAUGHTER into my life.. I’m holding a vision of me laughing, my daughters laughing, my granddaughters laughing, and all of our families laughing.

Bigger and better, laugh til tears of joy run down our faces,  or heck, I might even pee my pants, laughing.  Laughing that is more noticeable than ever!

I’m holding a vision of me being my ‘physically outgoing strong’ self.. playing (laughter included) outdoors with my family and friends.. all feeling happy, healthy and having great fun.

The blog is about magic and laughably do-able – reminders for me that those exist should I get really cranky.  It’s about a place for me to show up and write down those good moments.  And the cranky moments if needed. And there’s more to the story, because nothing I do is just that simple.. ha!!!  But that’s for the next posts….

And maybe this blog is about changing the rampant consciousness of fear – that fear that is based on so many myths and misconceptions–  to something different.  I have some discoveries that just might help lessen people’s fears…

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Who knew I had fears to overcome?

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New job? Snake Vendor

New job? Snake Vendor

Ha!  Briefly…  yesterday, I sat with Cobra wrapped around me.  I have a photo but can’t scan it.  I was practising to see if this might be a good job for me….  coaxing people to have their picture taken with a snake  for only 5 euro.  (more in summer, of course)    I’d be good at this. I could talk to people about fear – and if they let go this fear, it allows for other exciting adventures that are simply waiting until there is ‘room’.

And then I remembered that I am afraid of snakes.   I guess not so much anymore.  It was a bizarre experience…  especially the strength of the snake and the fact that he/she  kept bringing her face closer and closer to mine.

And of course, there’s the motorcycles… which I am not longer afraid of.

And who knows why I got to have those moments of fear with the creepy guy waiting for me? Or perhaps not fear as much as extreme caution?   I got over that quickly.. in fact forgot to be ‘concerned’ at all the next night.

And so I get to contemplate fear….   It is such a big energy that can keep us from moving forward, or perhaps sometimes propels us forward….   but hey, that’s a whole article I could write.  And now, I”m going to play in the waves.

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