Sooo, where’s the magic in all of this?
Quick version intro to my missing magic: Out of necessity it’s been quite a left brain world for me. It’s a full time job, this. Plus, one doesn’t say to a doctor, “You know, intuition says something isn’t right here” and expect redo’s of tests and consultations with top breast cancer experts. My research has had value. I’ve been heard and the medical process is.. well.. in process.. but in a way that I feel the doctors have done their due diligence, and steps are the best that they know to do. So. Trust. Done what I can in that area right now.. and now even if it’s just words sometmes, I will keep practising “Trust.”
But the magic – I felt abandoned.
I’ve watched (and been deeply touched) as people have acknowledged me with magical images and faerie wishes, and food, and hugs, and love. I’ve gratefully accepted body talk energy work being done distantly throughout the process. And beautiful reiki hands on. I knew my left brain had to be where it was to process, to keep appointments, to have tests, to try and figure out finances and logistics of me not working, and especially to find the way to ensure that doctors understood and followed through for me to get the best treatments.
And although it’s good for the brain to take on a whole new level of learning in a whole new area and, when in ‘observer’ mode, I noticed I was intrigued with the mental processes kicking in to the degree I felt I needed; I also noticed I felt no connection to spirit and guides and the ‘more than what we can see.’
As those around me shared magical messages and uplifting and enchanting images, I had moments of ‘Really?” “Am I at all magically inclined?” and ‘Excuse me.. but where’s my synchronicities, the signs, the assurance that ‘the more than what we see’ are nearby?”
As the left brain processed, I really felt a disconnect. Even moments of feeling ‘abandoned.’
An epiphany happened to change all that:
I was in the waiting area, prepped and ready to go in to surgery to have a masectomy. I had a moment of “Janet, do something! Do your magic! What kind of spiritfull connect can you do! You’ve not been doing anything!” Then, I felt this calm flow over me and a thought: “Others are holding space for you. Everyone else is doing your magic with you.” And I felt one of my guides nearby.. a rather wizardly fellow, he is.. He’s always a sure sign that I am connecting clearly. And I thought “Wow.” The epiphany wasn’t that he was there, it was recognizing that I could trust that others… guides, yes.. but people.. I could trust that other people could do for me what I felt I was not.
Wow. I needed that. Because moments later I was falling to pieces in tears on the operating room table.. also a surprise for me, and clearly important. I’m a ‘big strong girl’.. I hadn’t grieved this crazy process and losing a darn cute little breast. It was there that I had that chance. Because I knew others were holding the calm, healing, and magical space for me. Anyone reading this.. you know who you are. My family, friends.. sharing wonderful thoughts and words of encouragement … in person, by phone, by email, on facebook. Do know you are more powerful than you know.
And that experience, my dears, excited me! The magic was coming through/with others and I could watch for that!
And I want to share more of that.. the experiences that give me the shivers and the sense of ‘all is well.’ And that reveal surely that the ‘more than what we can see’ are nearby.
The day before chemo was to begin I went paddleboarding on my own to a little lake to feed my water loving, nature loving, board loving soul. Earlier in the day, a friend had sent me this image:
“Ganesha, the Hindu God of success and remover of obstacles”
After my paddling, I was heading down the highway and a family waved to stop me. They were an East Indian family travelling to Banff for holidays and in the chaos of crying babies in Merritt, they’d grabbed coffee but forgot to get gas. I was happy to help them by driving the mother and grandmother into town to get fuel and then drive them back out to their car. As we drove and talked and shared, I realized not only was the woman likely in the medical field, they were very spiritual. I felt I must mention the image of Ganesha shared today. And with just a muttering little mention, we all three just knew that we were meant to meet. In a knowing way, the woman and her mother gave me blessings and we all knew we had touched some ‘magical’ place… one that doesn’t need to be, nor can it be, explained, but that is divinely arranged.
And then there’s Gamine….
Richard Wagamese and Debra Powell donated a little bed to my home just in case I need people to have sleepovers. Richard is an award winning aboriginal author who through writing, storytelling and presentations has the messages that can change the world. As they visited me in my ‘left brain – get organized’ world, he pointed to the word he’d created out of my original word “imagine.”
“Gamine means Young, Spritely and Girl-like,” he said, ‘and that is you.” I could feel tears begin as he continued to speak to me of Creator and me as Creator, and I felt so blessed that there sat Richard and Debra sharing the messages that I most needed to hear. And again, could not hear on my own.
And then there’s the Piano in the Night
A dear friend came to sleepover in the new little guest bedroom after my first day of chemo. In the morning I got up and she was whipping about the house saying, “My, you have an active home at night!”
“What?” I asked.
“Well, the piano played all night. It was the most beautiful music.”
And I smiled. And I think I cheered, “Oh Good!” And it simply did not matter that I didn’t hear it. The music played.
Background info on the diagnosis and journey is here.